Dealing With Difficult People in Divorce
This post is brought to you by certified divorce coach Theresa Trosky. She has drawn upon her own experiences in divorce to to develop a program specifically for women going through this very difficult time.
Dealing with Difficult People and Situations in Divorce
Awhile back I found myself in the spin cycle. Unable to maintain my focus, feeling anxious, overwhelmed and powerless, I had not been my normal willing-to-take-on-the-world, get-shit-done, spunky self.
There was this situation. A situation involving a certain someone. And I had no control over the situation or that person.
I used to try to make peace with difficult situations and people by chanting in my head, “I have no control over this.”
But that only left me feeling anxious and more confused as to why I didn’t feel totally peaceful. I remember pondering the situation when I was hit with one of those AH-HA! moments.
If you’re dealing with a challenging situation and/or person and you have tried the I-have-no-control tactic, there’s something you need to know:
You’re focused on the wrong issue.
It isn’t about control.
Control is an illusion. In this mighty and powerful universe of incomprehensible miracles, thinking that control is even a possibility is only a way to drive yourself crazy and leave you feeling frustrated, powerless and maybe even a little depressed.
In fact, something really interesting happens when you think it’s about control. External forces (that is, anything outside of you such as circumstances and other people) can seem bigger and more powerful than you are. Like they have control instead of (and maybe even over) you.
That’s because if you believe it’s about control and you don’t have it, someone or something else must, right?
Oy! Now there’s the rub. But luckily, it isn’t true.
The truth is there is no control.
Now, trust me, I really resisted getting on board with this idea at first, but something kept calling me back.
I realized that I had been equating control with power. That’s why my mental chanting “I have no control” made me feel anxious and uncomfortable.
The “I have no control” mentality was actually undermining my sense of power and confidence. If your sense of power is in any way equated with control, using the I-have-no-control tactic will leave you in the spin cycle. It’s kind of a hopeless, wringing your hands, what-am-I-gonna-do-about-this feeling. And, quite frankly, it sucks.
If you’re ready to start feeling powerful, if you’re ready to face difficult situations and people from a place of power, stop focusing on what you don’t have and focus on what you do have.
Choice is the antithesis of control. It is kind, it is open-ended, it is powerful and it is there to help you.
And it’s available in many different great tasting flavors. You have the power to choose your attitude which gives you the power to choose your responses, your actions, and your intentions.
Choice gives you exactly what you need to deal with difficult situations and people in your way and on your terms.
Now that you know that control is a myth and choice is where your power lives, you can approach each challenging situation knowing that they aren’t any bigger or more powerful than you.
Power isn’t about lording something over someone or making them submit. Power is about taking responsibility and ownership of your situation. It’s about self confidence and trust in yourself and your abilities. Just as other people and circumstances have no power over you, you have no power over them.
When you feel powerful, the confidence that radiates from you changes the way you approach everything. Instead of focusing on the frustration of fixing problems, you start focusing on the expansion of creating solutions. The door to a world of possibilities swings wide open and what was once difficult becomes easier.
That’s what it did for me. Now I want to hear from you. What do you think? How does this change the way you think and feel about a challenging situation or person? How might this change the way you deal with difficult people and situations? What do you need to understand more deeply to put this in play in your life? How can I help you?
Theresa Trosky specializes in helping women transform the emotional turbulence of divorce into the power to lead their divorces and their lives with courage and confidence. She is a Master Certified Life Coach, Divorce Coach, writer, speaker and teacher. Shocked by how scared, lost and alone she felt during her own divorce, she dedicated herself to learning how to create a happy, successful life, not in spite of divorce, but because of it. Her humble mission is to save the world by empowering every divorced woman to live life on her own terms, to play as big as her dreams and to create a rich, full life as an expression of her true self. For details on the Empowered by Divorce Program or upcoming workshops, contact Theresa at firstname.lastname@example.org.